Dad Jokes



We all know that dad jokes are very crony and cheesy jokes, This kind of jokes surely makes your eyes suppress of smile because of it secretly find hilarious to know anyone. We know you did not here this kind of jokes for any comedians this jokes specially for friends when they have a bad day or you meet someone new.

At the end nothing is more than sense of humor. To delivered this kind of jokes proved that you can ability to make someone laugh as well as you can improve your personality to become entertening.Here we discus some unique Dad jokes with you.

Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife…

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.For more unique and Funny jokes visit April Fools’ Day Quotes

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

“Hold on, I have something in my shoe”  “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”

Dad I’m hungry … “Hi hungry” I’m dad

When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.

“I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”

54. Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!

How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles

I’m on a seafood diet… I see food and I eat it.

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little… Eel

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!

Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?

A: 400 Million Dollars.

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?

A: Where’s popcorn?

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?

Because he was a little horse!

CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

KID: “Hey, I was thinking…

” DAD: “I thought I smelled something burning.”

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

FAST FOOD WORKER: “Any condiments?” DAD: “Compliments? You look very nice today!”

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me…

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?” Without missing a beat I replied, “Single handedly.”

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

113. MOM: “How do I look?” DAD: “With your eyes.”

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

115. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

3 unwritten rules of life…
1.
2.
3.

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”

KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!” DAD: “Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.

SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.” DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY

CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: “They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Why couldn’t the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!

GRANDPA: I have a ‘dad bod’, DAD: To me it’s more like a father figure.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

When you ask a dad if he’s alright: “No, I’m half left.”

KID: “Hey, I was thinking…” DAD: “I thought I smelled something burning.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

SON: *hands my Dad his 50th birthday card*, DAD: You know, one would have been enough.

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

Can February March? No, but April May!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Why did the crab never share? Because he’s shellfish.

To call the whole Elon Musk controversy “Elon-Gate” seems like a bit of a stretch.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: “No, I got them all cut!”

Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.

GROCERY STORE CHECKER: “Paper or plastic?” DAD: “Either, I’m bisacktual.”

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.

Why wasn’t the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.

What noise does a 747 make when it bounces? Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

WAITRESS: “Soup or salad?” DAD: “I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.

As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The German replies: “No, just a holiday.”

A Briton walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really pissed off.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.

What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.

DAD, TO A SINGER: “Don’t forget a bucket.” SINGER: “Why?” DAD: “To carry your tune.”

I told my 14 year old son I thought ‘Fortnite’ was a stupid name for a computer game. I think it is just too weak.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, “Ribbit, ribbit” and a horny toad says, “Rub it, rub it.”

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

190. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!

NURSE: “Blood type?” DAD: “Red.”

What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.

The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.

I always liked “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?” – “Because it was two tired.”

Because it’s not just a lame pun, but the actual reason bicycles can’t stand up on their own. It’s a whole new level of a joke.

196. A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, what’s his name?”
“Tiny” the man replies.
“What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time-consuming.

Why don’t you ever want to run in front of a car? You’ll get tired. Why don’t you ever want to run behind a car? You’ll get exhausted.

What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck on that.

Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?



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