Funny Wedding Jokes

It’s sound funny but it is true that a good comedy always ends in marriage and good marriage should always be full of comedy whether you are a groom or bride. Your friend or your relatives cannot miss the chance of pulling your leg, Here you can find the best ever wedding jokes to roast the happy couple.

Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”   Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives? 
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again. I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant. What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. “What’s this?” he asked.

“Guess,” I said coyly.
“I have no idea,” he said. “It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage.”

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery? Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery, you do have a slight chance.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  So I got two girlfriends.

What to give a man who’s got everything? A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day! Nearly on Monday Nearly on Tuesday Nearly on Wednesday Nearly on Thursday Nearly on Friday Nearly on Saturday Nearly on Sunday

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. – But she figured out I was only after my money.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

“Darling, can I go out in this dress?” “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” “And that helps?” “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

Honey, do you think I gained weight? – No, I think the living room got smaller.

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen – but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.“

What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed & goes to the fridge. 

What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%? Wedding Cake

Why did the man wear his wedding ring on the wrong finger? Because he was married to the wrong woman.

31. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is loud and obnoxious? Bridezilla.

I got lost! – Where are you? – In the car. Dear audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

Despite protests, I put a high-voltage electric fence around my property. – My wife’s dead against it.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!

Why did the doves miss the wedding? They were under the feather.

Why do brides wear white? It’s important that the new dishwasher matches the fridge and stove.

I got lost! – Where are you? – In the car. Dear audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!

Despite protests, I put a high-voltage electric fence around my property. – My wife’s dead against it.

Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?   Because there’s a wedding going on.   But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?   Exactly, son.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

Why is it difficult to find a husband who is sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? Hopefully your wife.

What’s the difference between a Maid of Honor and a Pit Bull? Lipstick.

A man inserted an ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?” Husband, “Ah, that’s why your face looks so stretched today!”

Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you. Adulthood is when the monster lies in the bed next to you.

At a medical check-up: Do you do dangerous sports? Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.

How do most men define a wedding? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.

I just married Miss Right. I didn’t know until after the wedding her first name was Always!

What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Whats the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Remember weddings are the number one cause of divorce. It’s TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with a wedding!

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying

Husband: “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” Wife: “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

61. Wife: Why are you home so early? Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure! Wife: What about Rest? Husband: Well rest are Married!

Wife : Babe, Whatis Your Fav Position? Husband: When I got down on one knee and made you my wife.

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.

The woman says take off your robe were married now. The man says ok and takes off his robe. The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man askes why and the woman says “So I can have it enlarged!”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.

Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?   A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.

A boy asked his father, “Dad, how much does it cost to get married?”   Father grimly replied, “I wouldn’t know son, I’m still not done paying for it.”

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.

I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.“

When a woman asks if you think she’s fat, just say, “Hang on, I’ll just walk over to your front side.”

Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your  mother-in-law’s funeral today?”   “Well you know how it is. Work first, then fun.”  

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.

Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.”

Man to wife: “What did she say?”

Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”   He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”   She: “True, but I do.”

When a woman says something like “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Stand still as a statue. No blinking. Play dead.

“I got lost.” – “Where are you?” – “In the car.” Ladies and gentlemen – I present to you my wife!

I heard people say you can’t live without love. – I still think oxygen ranks higher.

A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.   The husband is surprised, “Wow, that was quick – usually you women are at it for two hours at least!”

Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I don’t fit in my pants from March.

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets married.   But then it’s already too late for him.

My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.

Quote: “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chopstick. She still isn’t talking to me.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, “All kids smell that way.”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

A woman says, I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire!   And what was he before?   A billionaire.

My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behavior. – Well, she may want all she likes, but she’s not getting inside my pillow castle without a password!

My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

Women marry because they believe that they will change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins… he loses.

Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!

Why do they call it the “mother tongue”? Because the man never gets to put a word in.

A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes

2) Accidents

3) Marriages

Need I say more?

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.

I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’

Men who ignore their wives’ raised eyebrows are losing valuable time in which to escape.

One easy step to lose an argument with a wife: 1) Argue.

Scientists have proven that men are brighter than women. They found out that where a man thinks, a women has a hole.

I called Debbie to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up. Doesn’t our separation mean anything to her?

Women can be likened to roads. The more curves, the bigger the danger.

Policeman: I’m very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.   Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Q: What’s that thing called when you’re only attracted to married men and gay men?

A: Oh. Single. It’s called single.

Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Wife: “Honey? What do you think about my teeth?”
Husband: “They remind me of stars… yellow and far apart.”

My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.

I always adjust the seat and mirrors when I drive my husband’s car so he doesn’t forget he’s married.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

“Honey, what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?” – “Your sense of humor.”

Life hack: Hold your wife’s hand in the shopping mall. If you don’t, she might start shopping. For her it is romantic; for you it is economical.

Finally I got an idea of what it looks like in a woman’s brain: 126 open tabs in an internet browser.

How do you know a woman doesn’t value honesty? When she asks you, “How do I look, darling?

Men perfectly understand other people. Provided those other people are men.

I don’t think you can trust anything that bleeds for five days and yet doesn’t die.

The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands. They pick them. Clean to the bone.

If it’s true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

If you can’t say something nice, say it to your husband… he’s not listening anyway.

My wife complained that the vacuum sucks too hard on the rugs and I made a joke… anyway, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.

My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone.

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stop playing constantly with the walkie-talkie, over.

My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”

That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…

And here’s another lesson in good manners: Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next? Really poor taste at funerals.

I just got a new microwave for my wife. It was a good trade. I hope she will be happy with the new guy. 

My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work. It was so bad I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could prepare dinner.

I think the only time my ex didn’t fake orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.

How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

182. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

Wife: “You’re addicted to skin lotion!”

Husband: “Go ahead. Rub it in my face.”

A female magician made her boyfriend vanish. How? By asking for a commitment.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

188. You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I’m not authorized to make those decisions

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

196. Wives are like grenades… Remove the ring and boom, a house is gone!

The best part of being married on Valentine’s Day is having all your expectations fulfilled. Because you have no expectations.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

My wife can eat one Reese’s peanut butter cup and save the other one for later, so I’m clearly married to a supernatural being.

Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

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